Magical Winter Wonderland

BAKER:  I was chased by those damn trees again today.  Bastards.  Here, look at my shoulder; just caught me, a tiny knick.—Actually drew blood; see that?  Stings like a bitch, too. I don’t know how many more runs to the city I’m going to be able to do.  Those trees are getting faster.  So fast!  I gotta use something for protection.  I need a hatchet or an axe or something.

Damn trees.  (takes a beer out of the fridge, sits down and opens it up) Listen, don’t put these in the fridge; I told ya, not in the fridge because they get warm.  Ya hear?  Jesus Christ, how many times…repeat myself…you’re like a clock that clicks forward…this is the last time, cause; if ya do it again, (he burps) I’m gonna take those bullets outta ya and that’s a fact, that’s a painful fact.  Those bullets.  Those aaaaaaag booooooo gaaaaaa, eraaaag, stinging you for days and braaaaaa, ka; deeeeeeg graaaaaa ba gaaaaaa.

(long pause.)

Now, I feel bad.  This is what I mean; you make me so happy and then so sad and right now I’m back to being happy again and when I came home I was so sad.  I just wantex ge da graaaa night!   Please, babe.  (he sighs)


(he drinks the rest of his beer)

Can you not give me another please, baby? Thanks baby.  (beat) Oh hey oh, I was at the shop today and remember that guy I was telling you about?  The guy with the yellow beard and foot stuck in his ass from the war?  You remember the guy babe?  The guy, THE GUY babe; the one with the leg in his ass.  Yeah, Yea, Ya.  So he comes into work today where I work and he goes to Jimz asking for the ceeerker curry daaa boo and Jimz gives him that look; you know the look babe…the look of all looks if I ain’t ever seen one before, this was the, by far, greatest gaaa gaaa dee peedd coooo ever.  That’s the guy; HEY YOU LISTENIN’ BABE?  (beat) The leg in the guy’s ass fell out. Straight out, no explanation and it got media attention.  Everybody was flabbergasted; I was flabbergasted cause I had to find something to compensate for what was no longer there and I was running around the shop, fiddling with this, fiddling with that and I was.

(long pause.)

(long pronounced burp)

Babe, don’t bring me a bandaid cause I just wanna bleed.  Thanks. (beat) Oh shit, I almost forgot about the…TREE!  I got us the Holiday tree babe.  Let’s make our place the magical winter wonderland.  I love it!  White tinsels and all those colory lights and get some of those deer and what’s that other shit called, those um; those the uh; the freaking things there; you know, the the the white fluffy snowy white things.  THOSE!  We’ll make this place look like Santa’s workshop.  Alright?  How does that sound babe?  Yeah?  Let’s have a parade!!!  I’ll burn some of the christmasy music off the computer for free, this way we have every Godforsaken record ever made in Christmas music history.  I’ll even hire a few of them little people from the land of the littles..oh no, wait.  Wait!  Isn’t, don’t you know a few little people babe?  People from the land of the littles?  (beat)  Well, tell them that we want them as our guests and shit and we want to have them be part of our magical winter wonderland.  I’ll buy a few of them slides and shit and they can slide down and into all the baking you’re going to have ready for us.  I can’t wait dear.  I’ll staple a few of those little dwarfs to your Aunt Edna’s back to try to cover the hump she’s got.  No?  (beat) No?  That’s probably the best gift anybody’s ever thought about giving your Aunt Edna.  I’ll pay them extra to chew on her back.  Just munchy munchy munchy krab krab craaa out her back; make her feel good about herself for once that whore.  She is such a whore your Aunt Edna, isn’t she?  I hate that hoe bag so so so much babe.  SO MUCH!  I mean, what does it take before that woman croaks for her to learn her lesson.  Every other day she’s milking somebody.  I told her last time, I said; Aunt Edna, your lips are gonna stay on and you’re never going to get any diseases.  Does she listen?  NOH!  NEVER!  Ga!  She’s gonna wait until she lives another sixty years.  Then she’ll know, then she’ll respect the HEEEEEEEM HEBBLE!!!!!  …Cause I worry about her…I do, I worry so so so much about her babe.

(long pause.)

Yeah.  I’m gonna run back to the shop so we can be poor and starve to death.  I hate you and I’ll see you later bitch.

(he does the gesture of blowing kisses but coughs every time he does the action, rather then make the kissing sound)

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is the founding editor-in-chief of Monologue Blogger. In addition to running MB, Joseph is a filmmaker/producer who has had his films premiere at Festival de Cannes - Court Metrage and Tribeca Cinema's Big Apple Film Festival. He can be reached at