In this comedy monologue, good ole SAUL is getting heavy bitch treatment from his wife and this monologue is his reaction.
SAUL: Hey babe, do me a favor…stuff my balls in my ass and let me borrow one of your skirts. Please. At this point, I might as well grow a pair of tits and shave my beard, too. And while we’re at it, since you’re calling all the shots, I’d like to sign up for some Yoga classes and make an appointment to get my nails done. Because, what’s the point of being a man, when I have you barking orders at me allll daaay looong.
Since you’ve gotten your new job, I’ve become your bitch…first, I was your slave but now, I’ve been promoted to bitch status. And as your number one bitch, some demands are in order.
I’m going to complain more, cry more, fuss more before we leave the house. I’m going to use the toilet more and expect more, like, I want to feel loved and appreciated and held and spoken to ever so lovingly and I want therapy sessions four times a week, accompanied by a frequent massage and proper organic foods in our fridge and a car and a puppy and a house cleaner, maybe I can purchase an apron if you will let me and I can cook up a storm every night. YEAH?
Oh I got one, how about we get the walls painted a bright eye peeling orange, so when the entire world visits our house, they will exclaim, “WOW! WOW! The walls in your house are so eye peelingly orange. WOW! And WOW!” Hip hip hooray and let’s jump for joy!!! EVERYBODY SING!!! (beat) People need sunglasses just to step into our living room! That’s how we like to roll…right?
…I will manage the bills and you manage my happiness.
That sound fun?