Crash Cab | COMEDY MONOLOGUE

Monologue Description: “Crash Cab” is a monologue sketch based on the television show Cash Cab.

Character Description: In this monologue, Ahmed is a crazy cab driver who challenges people’s lives with personal questions.  Ahmed speaks with a heavy Indian Accent.  Disco styled lights go on inside the cab as a new passenger enters.

Ahmed speeds off wildly in his cab

AHMED: Hellooooooo and Welcome To Crash Cab.  Would you like to play???  I ask you three questions and if you get them wrong, I drive off a bridge.  Are you ready?  Are you ready to live or die?

What?  No, this is not Cash Cab, this is Crash Cab, CRASH CAB.  Okay?  What?  No, you cannot leave, you must play.  As you Americans say, “you are in like Gunga Din?”

Here is my first question.  If you looked like a terrorist and people always made you feel worthless inside, would you: A-Tolerate It, B-Laugh It Off, C-Tell Them Screw You, or D-Crash Your Cab Into Them?

A is wrong answer!  Two more and we fly.

Here is my second question.  If you were an innocent man, trying to make a good living driving cabs for your family and the people who got in your cab, made fun of you, would you: A-Tolerate It, B-Laugh It Off, C-Tell Them Screw You, or D-Crash Your Cab Into Them?

Again, B is wrong answer my friend.  You have one more chance, BUDDY!  No, No, stop begging, stop it.  Stop it!  Beggars never win!!!  So stop it!

Here is my third question.  If you came to America for a better life but instead drove in a smelly, stinky, rotten cab for 72 hours a day, dealing with people who constantly bark remarks at you, make fun of you, vomit in the backseat, constantly call you names, and DON’T EVER TIP YOU…would you: A-Tolerate It, B-Laugh It Off, C-Tell Them Screw You, or D-Crash Your Rotten Cab Into The Rotten People??!!

WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE MY GOOD BUDDY FRIEND??!!

Did you just say D?  You said D??!  Are you sure?  You just said D as in my brothers name, Dahmed?  D as in Dat is the right answer yo?  D as in Dank God you got the right answer because now you will live?

YOU ARE CORRECT!!!!  You get to live…get out of my cab!

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is a filmmaker and founder of Monologue Blogger.

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