How To Be An Office Zombie

In this comedy monologue, CEO is the owner of a social media agency and he talks to a potential new hire for the company.

CEO:  Listen kid, and don’t mind me calling you kid, cause I call everybody kid…the reason why I deliberately pushed your buttons is because I have to know for sure that you’re right for the job.  I need to make sure I’m not taking on some crazy person.  Does that make sense?  The only reason why I called you a stupid ass is because I needed to study your response to it and I must say you took the insults pretty well.  Don’t you think?  This is why I’m going to make you an offer because I am certain that when I need someone to not argue with me and to never voice their opinion, someone who can always keep their mouth shut and smile, someone who will basically take it up the ass and never complain….that person is YOU, my boy.  YOU look like you can take the shit eight ways out of last Tuesday.  Am I right?  That’s appealing.  I mean, I basically called you a moron right to your face, didn’t I?  And all you did was smile, grin and not your head like a complete dipshit.  That’s what we want!  We need schmucks like you!

My offer to you is thirty-grand.  Thirty-grand to eat shit and smile.  Thirty-grand to get kicked in your nutsack day in and day out and consistently smacked around like a sissy girl for the next few years.  Thirty-grand to be called a bitch on a daily basis, get abused by all your superiors, walk around the office like you have a useless existence, take orders and have no mind at all of your own, whatsoever. Basically, what I’m telling you, is that for thirty-grand I expect you to be an office zombie according to our company guidelines.  That’s all.

(hands him a folder)

Here, take this, inside you will have to study all the things we do here as part of our company policy.  The more you abide by this, the better it will be for us and the more you will feel like you’ve lost your entire soul.

Remember, the key words, THIRTY-GRAND.  There are some people who get hired for less!  But we appreciate our workers more than the average company.  We’re a different kind of agency and we highly value workers who can take it up the ass and never make a peep.  Where there is no sound, there are promotions…dream on that for a second my friend.

(snaps his fingers)

You with me?  Okay, look it all over and get back to me by tomorrow morning.  Let me know if you want this amazing opportunity to be yours.  Alright, get out.  See you soon, bitch.

Oh!  And also remember, you will be around me and you will learn a ton of valuable shit cause I’m so great at what I do, bitch, you will thank me later.  Trust me.  You’ve read my books?  Seen my talks?  I’m the shizzizzle.

(Throws a punch into the air)

Ka-Pow!  You like that?  You see that?  It’s all about execution, bitch…get reading, make your decision and hit me back manana you stupid, stupid bastard.  Lata.

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is the founding editor-in-chief of Monologue Blogger. In addition to running MB, Joseph is a filmmaker/producer who has had his films premiere at Festival de Cannes - Court Metrage and Tribeca Cinema's Big Apple Film Festival. He can be reached at