Job Interview

This is a monologue for all you people out there going on job interview after job interview, trying to get hired by someone who you feel is simply wasting your precious time.  

(M leans forward in their chair.  Eyes aimed squarely at their interviewer.)

M: Hey, you know what?  You are by far the undisputed winner of the dumbest person I have ever met! That is right and that is, YOU!  The brain of an itty bitty fruit fly.

How did you get your job, you stupid waaaaste of speeerm?  HOW, were you even smart enough to make it to an ovary, let alone get this far?!  For God’s sake!  I mean, you want to ask me your dumb little questions, that you learned from your dumb little school and follow all your dumb little procedures to conduct your dumb little interview with me.

Don’t you see the talent in front of you?!  You know I can rock this job.  You know it!  I draw circles around you people. What I do in a single day you couldn’t muster up in an entire week!  Pathetic!

Why interview me when I see you have no intention of ever hiring me to begin with?  Is it just standard procedure?  Want to make yourself look like you’re actually putting in some good ole hard work?  You jerk!  Maybe you just plan on getting your friend in the position without anyone suspecting? I bet! You idiot!

How dare you doubt my worth?!

Take your insulting questions and your underpaid job and stick it deep in your ass and leave it there until it festers inside you long enough to become a big black demon that will slowly gnaw its way out from inside of you with its large sharp fangs!!!

Go order lunch!  Loser.

(M storms out)

Damn that felt good.

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is the founding editor-in-chief of Monologue Blogger. In addition to running MB, Joseph is a filmmaker/producer who has had his films premiere at Festival de Cannes - Court Metrage and Tribeca Cinema's Big Apple Film Festival. He can be reached at