This is a comedy monologue about a man who imagines himself being 6’5 when in reality he’s about 5’8 and he tries to convince anyone else otherwise.

DEREK:  I’m a medium.  Why do you keep asking me if I’m a small?  Do I look like a hobbit to you?  I have wide shoulders. (standing up from his seat) Look.  Look at me.  See how my shoulders are wide and then as you go down it starts to V, that’s because I have wide shoulders, alright?

(beat)

I know the last shirt you got me was a small and still looked big on me.  That’s because it was made that way.  That’s the design of how that company makes that style shirt.  There are other companies I can get in a large, like that coat you made fun of me in, that was the style, a little baggy…well, actually, yeah, you’re right about the coat.  It was too big.  Why did I buy a coat so big??

(beat)

Honey, do I suffer from a slight case of Napoleon disease?  Not like a big case but like a small case…you think?  Well, my height is 5’11 so I’m no Napoleon.  What?  I am 5’11!  I’m not 5’9.  Listen, when we measured last time it was in an old house with crooked flooring, alright?  Your mother’s floor is still the original from 1910. It’s all lopsided.  Everyone’s height fluctuates in that house depending on where they’re standing.  Your Uncle Tobey, who’s 2’2 was staring down at me in the kitchen and then in the living room he was at my knees.  Come on, that’s not fair. I’m no smaller than 5’10, that I’m one hundred percent sure about.  On my life, I swear on my life about that and that’s still a good height for a guy so I’m not complaining. I’ll give you the inch.

But please, most shirts fit me as a medium, so order me a medium.

• To read the full one-act ePlay, find purchase link below:

In this one-act eplay, Derek and Jeanine disagree on the correct size clothing Derek should be wearing.

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