Not Your Average Asshole | COMEDY MONOLOGUE

OWNER:  Look, Bilbo, I can’t have you work here anymore and the reason being…is that you’re an asshole. Very simple.  There’s no sugar coating it.  There’s no, “Oh, the company is downsizing” type shit, okay?  You’re just an asshole.  I mean, asshole, in the most sophisticated sense of the word.  You make your typical asshole want to call you an asshole.

Look at Frank, that’s an asshole, am I right?  But you, you’re such an asshole that you make Frank look like a an honor roll student and we both know he’s as dumb as dirt.  (to Frank)  Sorry, Frank.

(back to Bilbo)

But he’s a tolerable asshole.  You go beyond your average asshole.  You are like the friggin’, like—if there was a college, you wouldn’t even be the Dean, you’d be the founder with your great big asshole of a name plastered all over your asshole school for all the asshole students of the world who would be trained under your philosophical asshole way of viewing the world.  How’s that?

No, wait, there’s more…If it was your birthday, the pastry chef would write the words, Happy Birthday ASSHOLE on your cake.  Okay?  Hold on.  On your wedding day, even the Priest in a church of God, will turn to you and say, “Asshole, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”  Even on your gravestone!

You should have your own cologne called, you guessed it, ASSHOLE, so allll the assholes of the world could wear it to help non-assholes know when a genuine asshole is approaching.  See that door?  That’s the asshole door.  That’s where I’m telling you to check out and God almighty, don’t ever come back.

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is the founding editor-in-chief of Monologue Blogger. In addition to running MB, Joseph is a filmmaker/producer who has had his films premiere at Festival de Cannes - Court Metrage and Tribeca Cinema's Big Apple Film Festival. He can be reached at