“The Crop Duster” (comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Monoscription:  In this monologue, BUSTER recounts the story of how an elderly man “blew wind” in his face, while walking past him in a bookstore.

BUSTER WHO GOT CROP DUSTED:  I never in my life had someone fart point blank in my face, until yesterday.  I’m in the bookstore, kneeling down on one knee, reaching in to the bookshelf and reading some books of interest.  In comes the old man..like seventy-five, streaming down the aisle in stealth mode.  Suddenly, he barely stops before me and blatantly farts.  I mean, it was like he could have blown the dust off the books I was holding, okay?  Right in my face, direct hit!  And keeps on gliding by like it never happened.  I was in such shock that my jaw dropped wide open and I caught his ass in my mouth.  So now I’m standing, walking backwards, rolling my tongue around my mouth, trying to get the stench out of it, like my tongue would actually sponge the fart out of my mouth or something.  I cough myself into a phlegm and have to spit.  Didn’t have any napkins or tissues on me, so I had to make my way to the restroom with a wad of fart spit in my mouth.  Karma.  I do believe in it and I must say that it was kind to me this evening.  I walk into the bathroom and who do I see just stepping into the shitter…the old man!  He sits on the bowl, I spit out the fart and I listen in until I hear him going for the toilet paper.  Just as he’s about to wipe his ass, I flick the light switch off!  BOOYAA!!  I’m sure he had fun wiping his ass in the dark!  (beat) Not my proudest moment, but the dude farted in my mouth.

“Split” (drama) Under 1 Minute

Monoscription: In this monologue MALCOLM confides in his friend about how he feels he is slipping into madness.

MALCOLM: There’s this great divide…split…inside myself; torn between both ends of who I am…it’s like I’m trapped inside my own skin, sometimes for hours before things finally cool down.  There’s this rage that bubbles up inside me, needling me towards a direction I don’t want to go in…pushing me towards a place that I fight so hard to escape…and I do, I do escape but each time one step closer to what I’m trying to avoid.  I’m afraid that one day, one day…I may goto far…and worst of all, I don’t believe I will mind it much.

“Shadow of the Anaconda” (drama) 1 Minute

ANYONE: I see your face…your eyes…I dream about you…I feel you.  My heart is on lock, dipped far down in a frozen ocean, somewhere far out and lost.  God has played his hand on me and it has taken me a very long time to respond.  I’m not even crawling; barely moving.  I understand the message all too clearly and I have felt the shadow of the anaconda between my legs…but, I’m somewhere in the middle of this thing, not choosing sides, just keeping my own.  So I walk…I walk my own path and see truth most people refuse to see, but it’s my only way.

Top 10 Monologues of the Week

“Mr. Innocent” (serio-comedy) 1-2 Minutes

Monoscription:  In this monologue, ROSALIE finally goes off on her lazy pig of a husband who does shit all day everyday with his life and she’s finally had it.  

ROSALIE:  Everyday I work and I clean and I fold and I cook and what do you do; sit on your FAT FUCKING ASS embedded in that disgusting green couch all day, watching your 1910 movies, stinking up the room with your farts and your belching.  You can give any woman a reason to jump off a bridge.  Any woman!  I get no appreciation, no respect, no love or concern…never, “Hey Honey, do you need help with anything?”  or “Rosalie, can I run to the store for you?”  Nothing!  Served, like a King, like you got it coming to you and what do I got coming to me, Paulie?  Huh?  What do I get in return for being slaved to the inner core of my bones.  WHAT DO I GET?!  But aggravation, ulcers, torture, mind grains, distress…When do we ever go out?  When was the last time you have taken me a-ny-where?  What do we do with our lives?  You stare at me like this is a shock!  Are you shocked, Paul?  Are you so removed from my existence that you have no fucking idea what it is I am telling you this very instant?  Or are you stupid??  Heh?  Are you just going to stare at me with that big dumb face of yours, like your Mr. Innocent?  Speak, speak before I stab you with this fork!

“Remote Control of My Existence” (drama) 1-2 Minutes

Monoscription:  In this monologue, IRA talks to his dog about this strange emotional fog he’s been finding himself in lately…it’s a transitional piece, which the character arrives at in the end of the monologue.

IRA: I’m an irrational man, spending my time trying to be rational.  There’s a warm strobe like massage inside the inner workings of my skull, slithering round, trying to lick its way out…haha….most days I never smile, almost as if I can’t…this one time I tried to smile for about an hour or so and all I could muster was a seesaw frown.  It was difficult to smile on that particular day, everything was still, frozen, I felt like I was trapped in a concrete mold of my own mind.  I was able to think things but couldn’t provoke the physical action to match my thoughts.  Like I lost the remote control of my existence.  The point is, this fog like awareness is strange.  I think it’s time I start killing people.  I’m too dirty, too polluted…nothing can clean me now.  I think, I think that’s all it is…maybe then, I’ll have my remote control back in my hands.

5 Brand New Teen Monologues

  1. Making Up Stories (drama) 1-2 Minutes In this monologue, PAMELA is disturbed by the b.s. that is put in her mouth by a deceitful mutual friend.  Made up stories about another friend she deeply cares about that are simply not true.
  2. Practice Test (serio-comedy) 1 Minute In this monologue, GENE complains to his Mother that she needs to stop badgering him because he already studied for tomorrows exam.
  3. Every Which Way (drama) 1 Minute In this monologue, SUSANNA talks to her former best friend about why they can’t be best friends anymore.
  4. Price of A Crush (drama) 1 Minute In this monologue DEVIN talks to his friend about how he saw their mutual friend Deanna get hit by a car.
  5. Swag (drama) Under 1 Minute In this monologue MELANIE talks to her brother about how he shouldn’t feel humiliated in school just because she’s his sister.

10 Versatile Male Serio-Comic Monologues

  1. Cook My Brain Till It’s Well Done  (1 Minute) – In this monologue SPIKE goes on about how he can never make sense out of women.
  2. Bitch, You Crazy (1 Minute) – In this monologue, Lenny tells his friend a story of how he broke it off with a girl he was seeing because she threatened him. Lenny speaks with bad English. He has a poor education and comes from the school of street thought.
  3. Apologize School (Under 1 Minute) – In this monologue, Roy talks to his girlfriend about how she never apologizes when she’s wrong.
  4. Old Ice Cream (Under 1 Minute) – In this monologue, Barry talks to his friend who seems to keep teasing him about the same container of ice cream, that has remained in his freezer for over a year.
  5. The Dog Stays (2 Minutes) – In this monologue, FRANCES talks to his neighbor, a young guy he’s befriended over the years.  They sip coffee and talk.  Frances just finished washing his car and he wipes it over with a towel.
  6. Oatmeal Cookies (2 Minutes) - Patsy is in the living room watching t.v. with one of his close friends.  He discusses a story about the eating duel he’s been having while taking in his Grandson in the house until his daughter comes back from vacation.
  7. Pumped Up (Under 1 Minute) – Ramone is tired of hearing about his friend’s cheap talk and no action in regards to having no ambition whatsoever to be anything in his life.
  8. Pass Me Jug (2 Minutes) –  Two men are in war and one needs to pee, the other gives advice on how to do this as a battle approaches them.
  9. Sexual Magnetism (1 Minute) – In this monologue, Joseph talks his girl up to sexual desire, over the phone.  His girl is currently at her place getting ready to come over his place.  He teases her on the phone, flirting with her to get her excited for her visit.  This is a fun and intimate moment couples have with one another.
  10. Would You Love Me If… (1 Minute) –  In this monologue,  Jesse teases his girlfriend in a playful manner.
  11. BONUS MONOLOGUE – An Anxiety Bound Chest of Rapid Breathing and Thumping Brain Tissue

5 Hilarious Female Monologues

  1. Just For Laughs  (2 Minutes) – In this monologue, Jane is sitting around a kitchen table having coffee and cake with her closest friends.  The women all share stories of teasing and playing practical jokes on their children.  Jane shares a recent story of a joke she played on her son unbeknown-st to him.
  2. Next In Line (2 Minutes) –  In this monologue, Lucille verbally abuses customers for no apparent reason.  This is a comedy and meant to be a monologue skit.   It’s as if a retail worker can actually speak their mind, this is what might come out.  The character is a real bitch, full of sarcasm and attitude.  Not someone you would like but it works for the piece written.
  3. The Girls (1-2 Minutes) – In this monologue, Dana is listening to her girlfriend’s new love interest with hidden disgust and apparent loneliness.
  4. Dog Anxiety (1-2 Minutes) – In this monologue, Raquel stops over her neighbors in her apartment complex building. She tells her of the terrible creature of a dog she has been babysitting for another friend.
  5. Snot Rags (1 Minute) – In this monologue, Elaine tells her roommate cousin Jessica to stop being such a slob.