In this comedy monologue, AARON has had enough of his girlfriend’s abusive parrot, especially that it has been interrupting his work at home business.
AARON: Will you shut your peacock up? Or whatever that bird is…fine, a parrot!! (doing a mocking shuffle) It’s a parrot! Yipaty yay. Every single time I try to make a business call, your parrot deliberately mocks me to interrupt my call. (beat) No, no, do not say it’s impossible because I’ve tested out my theory and it’s been proven correct.
Just this past Saturday, when you went out shopping, I strolled over to the phone with my business binder, acting like I was about to make an important call, just to see, just to see if the little…your parrot would interject. Sure enough, right after I phony dialed and acted like I was listening to a ring, do you know what your bird did next? Hmm? Your fantastic parrot cleared it’s throat and as loud and as clear as Aretha Franklin belting one out, said the exact following words and I quote, (imitating bird’s voice) “Assholes making a phone call, assholes making a phone call.” I swear I should fall down and die right now I’m not making it up!
Now look, he’s been interrupting me all day each time I make for the phone. I can’t keep going outside! I’m losing money on behalf of this little tweeting twit you have for a pet. I’m seriously about to lose it in this place, I am…moving here was the worst decision, I know it. I should have stayed downtown in my shitty studio. Now it’s parrots and cleaners trotting around the place when I’m trying to work to make a living.
I’m doing this for us. I’m trying to grooooow my business, FOR US. (beat) It’s me or the peacock, I mean bird, I mean whatever. This novelty has worn the hell off, either he goes or I go!