In this monologue, Rita talks to her friend about how she has a difficult time opening up to people she cares about.
RITA: I keep things in. Things. Emotions. My emotions…I know that that’s probably not a good thing. Life has made me that way I guess. I have a tendency to show no emotion when I am feeling emotion.
I just have a hard time opening up to someone. I get closed off. I feel that by being emotional in front of someone, kind of makes me very vulnerable and weak and I have a hard time with that. You know, being in that state of vulnerability, it’s not a place where I like to be because I feel like I’m not in control. When I’m not in control, I get anxiety.
Whenever I truly loved anybody and opened myself up to them, they have always stabbed me in the back. I have a hard time with that; trusting people. It can be anyone…friends, family, boyfriend. I’m not sure if I truly trust anyone in my life. It’s sort of a protective shield I’ve put up and it only gets stronger with time.
I do desire to be more vulnerable but at the same time I desire to stay protected. I feel torn. Everytime I do take a risk, I get hurt. Not sure if I should keep taking those risks.