In this monologue, DERRICK goes outside his apartment for the first time, while stoned out of his mind. He is accompanied by his weed expert girlfriend.
(Derrick takes his first step outside and takes an exaggerated breath of fresh air in his nostrils)
DERRICK: I should be alright. I feel alright, you know? Yeah, let’s do this, I’m ready for this shit man. I’ll be fine.
(they both begin to walk)
(clears his throat)
What? No, I’m alright, I’m alright.
(laughs a nervous laugh to himself)
I’m fine babe. Yeah, I’m good.
Hey honey, umm, you ah, do you feel like people are staring at us or is it me? Huh?
No, I just feel like…you see that old lady over there sweeping her driveway. The one dressed in all black? The one who looks like she’s been in morning for the past twenty-five years? Yeah. She’s staring at me funny. Don’t look! Don’t look! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Just be cool man. Please, oh God. Just walk natural babe, come on. The lady in black was peering at me, like she had something EVIL on her mind about me. Like she knows I’m soooo stoned babe and she had anger in her eyes babe. Walk fast! Walk faster!
Don’t laugh. Why you laughing? I’m telling you. She was staring at me with shame in her face. Like I disappointed her or some shit.
(thinks someone else is looking at him)
Wow, I feel like my face is stuck sort of. I feel like I have a Chinaman’s face on. Do I look Chinese right now? No? So I look like me? (to himself) Holy shit. How do I relax my face babe? Do I look alright? Yeah? You sure I don’t look Chinese? Okay, okay, I’m chill…
(they reach the corner store)
Babe, shhh, come here, just come closer, come here…(he whispers) I don’t know…I don’t know if I can make it into the store…shhh, shhh, listen, stop laughing, please, Oh God…you promised you wouldn’t bug on me…(talking out of the side of his mouth) If we go in the store, we need to go in really really slow, okay. Just wait…isle 3 is where the Doritos are. I’m going straight in for the Doritos and then straight to isle 6 for the beers and then straight to the register. You with me? DORITOS, BEERS, REGISTERS! I mean, register. Either way. Okay, let’s…WAIT! SHIT!! SHIT!!! (he checks his pockets) My wallet! I left my, I left my wallet back at the apartment!!