Straight to the Nitty Gritty

Gangster monologue.  NED is an Irish man who speaks with a heavy Irish accent.  He’s the guy you don’t want to wake up to while being strapped to a chair.

NED: You see, I don’t ask questions, lad. Questions, bore me. I only ask one question but I don’t ask the question until I know for certain that you’re ready.  I much rather go straight to the nitty gritty and then, once we reach a certain place, I’m gonna ask ya the one question that we both know you’ve been brought here to answer.

First, we’re gonna break your toes with a sledge. Not too bad none, but then, we’re gonna work our way upwards to the ankles, break them both on up to your shins and the shins is when you’re really gonna wish you weren’t here. But the real motherfucker, is the thighs, because once we get past the thighs, you’ll lose all feeling and by the time we get to your hips, you would have shit and pissed yourself all over and the only way you’re gonna know, is by the smell of it. And then Sweet Bobby is gonna come for ya with a long fucking rod and he’s gonna jam that long fucking rod up your arse, until it can’t go any further and Sweet Bobby, goes deep.

If ya make it that far, there’s still hope for ya, cause that’s when I’m gonna ask ya my one and only question. And if ya answer, with the correct fucking answer…well then, I guess you’ll just walk your way home.

That’s how we’re gonna work ya. Even if ya gave me the answer now, it won’t do you any good because you have to do it the way I like to do it and it’s the only way I like to do it.  So, now that I’ve explained it all to ya, we begin.

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is the founding editor-in-chief of Monologue Blogger. In addition to running MB, Joseph is a filmmaker/producer who has had his films premiere at Festival de Cannes - Court Metrage and Tribeca Cinema's Big Apple Film Festival. He can be reached at