Monologue Description: “UPON MY RETURN” is a comedy sketch based on old nobility in England hundreds of years ago that raises the question, What if there was a Burger King?
Character Description: In this monologue, Sir Walter Walter speaks to his Lord about killing captured defiers of the throne and stopping afterwards for some Burger King. Sir Walter Walter speaks in an extremely dramatic, raspy voice, as if he is a horrible actor from a terrible Shakespeare rendition. Everything he does in this piece is as if he is performing Hamlet before the Queen.
SIR WALTER WALTER THE THIRD: It is TIME, my Lord. What shall I do with the others? Shall I slay them? Much obliged. My Lord, may I ask you something? ‘Twas wondering if you would be so kind as to permit me to stop in the town of WhiffleBerry for some Burger King. Yes. (beat) Yes. (beat) Yes, my Lord. I would be honored to bring you back a WHOPPER. Chicken fingers, you say? Yes, my Lord. What about a coke? Diet? Sure thing. Is that all my Lord? Good day to you. I will kill the wrong doers and be off to Burger King! I bid you goodbye my Lord. (barely able to contain himself) HELL YEAH BOY!!!! (clears his throat) ‘Scuse me my Lord, a tickle in mee throat.
Upon my return.
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