Upon My Return

This is a short comedy sketch based on old nobility in England, hundreds of years ago that raises the question, What if there was a Burger King?

Sir Walter Walter speaks to his King about killing captured defiers of the throne and stopping afterwards for some Burger King.  

Sir Walter Walter The Third: It is time, my Lord.  What shall I do with the others?  Shall I slay them?

King Rochester Ester: Kill them all.

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Much obliged.  My Lord, may I ask you something?

King Rochester Ester: Twat?

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Where?

King Rochester Ester: Where, twat?

Sir Walter Walter The Third: …I’m…not…sure.

King Rochester Ester: Not sure, twat?

(looking around in circles)

Sir Walter Walter The Third: I do not see a twat.  Where is the twat me Lord?

King Rochester Ester: Where?

Sir Walter Walter The Third: …That is what I thought you were asking me, Lord.

King Rochester Ester: Twat?

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Yes.

King Rochester Ester: Twat?!  I do not understand you.

Sir Walter Walter The Third: So, there is no…twat?

King Rochester Ester: Twat did you want to ask me??

(realizing that the King meant the word, What?)

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Oh!  Oh, that is what you, right, pardon my hearing me Lord.  Twas wondering if you would be so kind as to permit me to stop in the town of WhiffleBerry for some Burger King.

King Rochester Ester: Burger King, you say?

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Yes, my Lord, I say indeed I do.

King Rochester Ester: Twat?  I did not know that there was a Burger King in WhiffleBerry.

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Yes, yes there is me Lord.

King Rochester Ester: I order you to order me a whopper.

Sir Walter Walter The Third:  Yes, my Lord.  I would be honored to bring you back a WHOPPER.  Chicken fingers?

King Rochester Ester: Yes and a coke.  Di’et.  No ice.

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Yes.  Is that all me Lord?

King Rochester Ester: Fries.  Another whopper.  Double stack the meat. Remove the lettuce and tomato and hold the mayor.  (beat) Was the owner granted permission to build a Burger King in WhiffleBerry?

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Only if he were in accordance with the law.

King Rochester Ester: I do not recall.  Check.  If not, after you order, bring me back the head of the owner.

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Yes, me Lord.

King Rochester Ester: Go. Return before sunset.

Sir Walter Walter The Third: Good day to you.  I will kill the wrong doers and be off to Burger King!  I bid you goodbye, my Lord.  (barely able to contain himself) HELL YEAH, BOY!!!!  (clears his throat) ‘Scuse me my Lord, a tickle in mee throat.  Upon my return!

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Joseph Arnone

Joseph Arnone is the founding editor-in-chief of Monologue Blogger. In addition to running MB, Joseph is a filmmaker/producer who has had his films premiere at Festival de Cannes - Court Metrage and Tribeca Cinema's Big Apple Film Festival.

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