In this serio-comedic male monologue, HAROLD, an elderly man, tries to read his newspaper when he gets interrupted by his Granddaughter’s music.
(church music rises up…extremely loud…from the other room)
(an old man, probably in his seventies sits in one of those puffy brown leather couches. his face looks zoned out like he is lost in thought)
(after about a minute he looks in the direction of where the music is coming from)
HAROLD: (to himself) …She’s joking…impossible. Linda? Lin—WILL YOU SHUT THAT MUSIC UP?! God almighty, I feel like the angels are going to invade my living room and take me hostage!
(beat) (he stands up)
Linda! (beat) LINDA!! Turn that music down. I know you like to play it when you write poetry…I know, I know but please lower it because it’s making me see the white light. Alright? Thank you (he sits back into his couch)…oh, that’s better, that’s better now…
I might be old but I still have my hearing. Don’t ask me why? Everything else seems to have gone, I could have done without the hearing at this point. Especially in a house full of women, including that evil cat, too. Bastard of a cat. Every time I make eye contact with that ferocious animal she jumps up and claws my balls. Each and every time. Ridiculous! Nobody would believe. Nobody! Wonder why I walk funny…but no, we still keep the cat cause Telly loves her. But if my balls still worked that cat would be out! That’s the truth of it. Out! Doesn’t matter with dead balls. She can claw all day long, won’t affect my libido. Not one bit. It hurts to piss but that’s about it. I can take it. Old school, baby. Not like these fellas today. I can’t make heads or tales out of some of them. With their hair parted to the side now, flapping in the wind like they’re some kind of vogue model. What’s happening to men these days? Getting prettier than women! What’s next, make-up?! The day I see young men starting to wear blush and eye liner, I’M CHECKING OUT.
What the hell am I talking about? Wow, I’m actually talking about…what’s the point? (sighs) This is what happens when you get old. Talk about cats clawing your balls and boy make-up…nothing else interesting going on around here…nothing at all…nothing at all…