17 Comical Haven Monologues for Women

Yes, another body of comedy monologues for an actress. Below you will find 17 freebies to get loose with. 50 Comic Monologues for Women is a more elaborate list of female monologues you should also check out.

  1. Tis Pity He’s A Brother – Miss Lorelli:  Pass me my shoes, would you darling? What is wrong with you lately? You are moving too slow for my liking, if Papa falls witness to this, he would think you ill!
  2. Flicker – WILLA: What was that?  No, really, what was that exactly that I just saw you do?  Did you…did you just flick something from your finger, Greg?
  3. Crazy Glue – LINDA: Alison, oh God, it’s me, it’s Linda, I, I, I, I glued my…I glued my hand to my cheek!  I’m walking around the house trying every kind of product and I can’t get it off.
  4. So Cute! – MIMI: Oh My God! Do you think he likes me? (shrieks)  He is sooooo cute. So cute! I can’t believe he came over and started talking to me. Oh my God, do I look okay?
  5. Big Picture – ELLEN: It’s all he does.  I am dating an absolute loser. (to her boyfriend) I have tried and tried and tried and tried and tried SO MANY times to get you to clean your room.  To get you to wash the dishes.  To vacuum!
  6. Ready, Aim, AIM – ROSE: Can I just ask you something? No really…can I? Now, I’m not trying to argue with you okay? I’m not trying to fight but…when you go to take a leak in the toilet bowl, do you miss on purpose??
  7. Swing, Swing, Swing – DELANA: Hmmm. Okay, let’s see. One—two—three—FOUR—FIVE! Five holes in my foot Don. One, two, three, four, FIVE! Yep, FIIIIIVE!
  8. Gangster Grandma – GG: Honey, can ya pass Grandma the salt…thanks honey…
  9. First Kiss At Camp – LINDA: First time I ever kissed a boy was at summer camp.  I was in a row boat competition.  It was a “who can row the fastest” competition and this kid Josh and I came in first place together.
  10. Dark Chocolate – ZENA: I FEEL SO GOOD, THIS IS MY NEW LIFE!  You think I’m kidding? It’s all about the iron, baby.
  11. Big Brett – AMY:  Want to know what I absolutely despise?  Overprotective men!  God, they are the worst.
  12. Mirror Mirror On The Wall – JAN: Look at it girl, look–at–it. Damn! My ass is so fat I just can’t take it, Kelly. (sticks her ass out at her friend Kelly) Look at that, look at that ass! It’s grown!
  13. The Whole Package – ANDA: Okay so, I’m changing my sexual preference.  Yep.  That’s it.  I’ve had it with men!  I am going for women.
  14. Glitter Beard Magic – MICHELLE:  Tara, I came across one of them the other day…you know who I’m talking about…the GLITTER BEARDS.
  15. Pinch – DEMETRIA: “Baby”, he says to me, “I’m in pain.”  And I was like, what’s wrong baby…what do you mean, pain?  What kind of pain?
  16. Not In Front Of The Buddha – EMILY:  What?!  I’m trying to make a point to you and you tell me “not in front of the Buddha?”  Are you kidding me right now?
  17. Now You See It, Now You Don’t – RENE:  Sometimes I want to stare someone in the face and go poopy in my pants.  I want to stare like stone and watch their facial expressions to my rudeness.
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